Now that I've been here for almost two months, it's time to settle in a little and become more of a resident of AS. That sounds really easy but government and the way things are here will get you every time! First of all, if you want to get something issued (i.e. get a driver's license, or be allowed to work in a school) the last place you want to head is the office that issues those things! Second of all, if you are government you open at 9, take an hour and a half lunch, and close at 3. Oh, and you are for sure not open on weekends, holidays, bank holidays, your mother's birthday, or really stormy days. This means that you have a very finite amount of time that you can run back and forth between offices to get anything done which makes for some very interesting times.

So, how do you get a driver's license? Well, first of all you don't start out at the Office of Motor Vehicles, that's for sure! The first place to go is the courthouse. You need to get a paper stating that you haven't been convicted of any crimes in American Samoa. How they determine this I don't really know. As far as I could tell they signed the paper stating this when I asked them for it, not after an extensive search in the system or actually any search in the system. Maybe they just remember every criminal they've met? Next you would head to the OMV but only if their machine is working. If you want, you could probably bring your own picture (glamour shots anyone??) but I think they need the machine for the whole thing. Otherwise you need to wait the weeks (months) that it will take to get repaired. I still don't have mine, as I have no idea when the machine will be fixed.

What about working in a school? In order to work at a school, you need a health card. This one is really fun. First, you go to the office and you ask for the health card appointment. Then, they argue with you for 10 minutes and tell you that you are getting a food handler's card which is apparently the same thing as a health card. Pointing out that the only food you will be handling is the food going into your mouth is not recommended - this office is not allowed to have a sense of humor. It is better to just agree with everything they say or you will be there for another 10 minutes. Once it is established what you are there for, you have to make the appointment. BUT, you can't make an appt until you have your hospital card. So, across the street to the hospital you go where they issue a hospital card. If for any reason anyone from the office hands you any paperwork, for the love! don't give it to anyone else! Carry it with you to the hospital for no reason that you can see and then bring it back!! Those who don't are verbally tarred and feathered. Now you can make your appointment. In a few weeks you return with a stool sample and a host of other people. This appt is a very important one in which they test to see how long you can wait in a lobby and not be embarrassed about the sample you have in the "discreet" paper bag. Then when they figure you have had enough, they take your blood pressure, do a tb test and send you back to the hospital to turn in your sample to the lab. Make sure you go straight to the lab - that is where they will explain to you that you have to pay in the front and provide proof of payment to them. Off you go, back to the lobby to wait in line to pay. That is where you discover that they filled your hospital card out wrong and you have to wait for it to be fixed. Once that is done you get to go back to the lab and drop off your sample (finally!). Now you get to come back in 2 days. When you come back, you get to be tested on waiting in the lobby again and then they finally call you up. They check your height and weight and then it is time to pay for the doctor "exam". This is when they tell you that they only accept cash. The next thing you get to do is go home for your bankcard which you never carry with you because the banks don't want there to be problems with their ATM's so they only have 2 or 3 working ones on the entire island. They also want to prevent long lines at the ATM so they usually let them run out of money so that no one has to wait there, they can go to the bank instead. Once you get your bankcard, you stop at the only one you know of only to find that it is one of the conveniently closed ones. Luckily friendly people will direct you to another one which happens to be at the hospital. That one of course is in the process of being repaired so you have to wait but at least you will be at the hospital close to where you need to eventually be. Once you have your cash you are back at the office for the doctor "exam". An exam of this sort consists of the doctor chatting you up all the while sitting in the chair farthest away from you. He will not worry about checking your tb test, your pulse, or your lungs, and will only ask cursory questions about your general health. He takes your picture, prints the card, and voila! you are cleared to handle food at the school. The best part about this card is that it expires in 1 year so if I stay for another school year, I get to do it all again!

How do you get security clearance to work in a school? Head to the police station to get fingerprinted of course. In this waiting area they have conveniently taken all the back off the chairs (wouldn't want to get too comfortable!) and you get a nice view of the bustling four cops that seem to be all that the police force consists of. I am sure there are more but I didn't really see evidence of that. You pay for your fingerprints which can cost you $1 or $4 depending on who is at the counter and then they ask if you want them to keep it or if you want to take it. For some reason you need to take it with you. I am sure that if a crime is committed and fingerprints are found at the scene the most reasonable thing to do would be to call all the schools to find out if they have a match. They don't even keep a copy - you just take the whole thing.

So, now I'm more settled in, I am criminally free enough to drive, I've been declared healthy enough to handle food and children, and if I ever commit a crime I've got my fingerprints in my file at school I direct the police to. I think I'm pretty set!